I wrote this on June 19th. It's pretty much me in all my confused glory. Vulnerable much?
Lately I've been all about living my truth. Thing is I'm not entirely sure what my truths are. What I do know is the more I try to distance myself from certain labels the more labels I attach to myself.
You'd expect that as you grow up your life gets more clearer, but truth is you only end up with more confusion and less guidance. I mean you go from educational institutes where you're being told what to do, to adulting. What a hoax.
I'm literally lost in my potential and the what ifs and maybes of my world. The more I learn the less time I feel I have to discover me, who I am, what I'm about and my place.
I also simultaneously want not to find myself and just live in the moment without a care in the world. I'm at constant war with myself, who I am, who I want to be and who I think I am. - Honestly it's bare long fam.
Twenty-plus with no answers, to be honest it's not like I have much questions anyways. It's just this feeling of more. As a Muslim I'm very aware that we have a short time on this world to worship and earn Jannah, but honestly there's this part of me that finds the daily struggle of worship and survival boring.
Maybe boring isn't the right word, but it's draining. You wake up, pray 5x a day, make a living, treat people kindly, live a warm non threatening life and then you die one day with hopes of having earned Jannah. I know, I know, I've done a huge disservice to religion by simplifying it so basically.
However there's this part of me that wants to do something, what? I don't know. Don't ask, you'll give me a headache. I also think part of me has it all wrong. Like super wrong. But therein lies the frustration, what am I missing? What am I not seeing? Everyone has a cause, something that sparks them, gets their tongue wagging and fingers bashing keyboards.
I'm still trying to figure out me. My voice, my story. Am I my cause?
Does that make me self absorbed? I guess so. Should I care? Probably not.
I still don't know what I'm trying to get out, I'm just writing. Hoping to figure it out by the time I get to the end, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I understand we are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional beings. I know I am not just one thing. The thing is there doesn't seem to be enough time in a day for me to be all parts of me. I also can't seem to efficiently discover me. I need to get this growing and learning part of me over so I can start the experiencing and enjoying part. - Although I know that's not how this life thing works and ima spend life struggling to balance the two, can you spare a girl a minute to whine please. - eurgh, ish hard, dang 😒