NBJ: Finding My Muslimah Identity pt I
I had this image in my head of what a good Muslim looked like
And it never corresponded with who I was
I couldn't ever see myself being that Muslim girl.
So I don't think I actively chased religion enough.
I didn't join ISOCs, cos I couldn't see myself relating with the girls
Or having anything in common.
The few (like 2) ISOCs I visited left me with a bad taste in my mouth. They just reinforced the stereotype for me. I felt like they were faux. Acting one way in ISOC but on the streets they'd be different. I thought these girls were doing this because they had a movement behind them, safety in numbers, everyone else is.
Don't get me wrong, I will never take away from the good of ISOC. I know several sisters who gained life long friends, Imaan boosts, valuable knowledge amongst so much more.
I just could never see myself in one. In hindsight I probably wasn't comfortable enough with the level of my faith to believe theirs was true.
I'm sure I'm 100% wrong about ISOCs and there are ISOC warriors ready to defend their crown. But my question has always been how many people manage to keep that Imaan high and sisterhood after ISOC? What happens after? How many people can Imaan boost themselves. That herd movement means when a gazelle gets left behind, ish bout to get real.
I soon realised it was up to me to Imaan boost myself, especially if I wasn't about to join a society. I couldn't use my "bad taste" excuse as a reason to permanently give up on self improvement.
I remember reading something and thinking "yo on the Day of Judgement (DoJ) even my mum won't back me y'know", and if you've met my mum, you know she'll pretty much ALWAYS back me. For me it was all about being able to account for myself. I wanted to ensure my intentions were pure, and not because everyone else was doing it. I probably would have benefited from an ISOC, but at the time, I definitely didn't feel like I fitted in.
There's a difference when such statements actually hits home, and when its just being said in passing and you're barely taking the convo in. Like when you actually go "yoooo even Bonnie won't back Clyde". Like the only person who can intercede by the will of Allah is Muhammad (saw). That for me was the catalyst of change.
That got me thinking "Who is this guy that will intercede for me?", I started reading. Its not like I didn't know the Prophet (PBUH) or his story, but I wanted to understand why the Sahaba loved the Prophet (PBUH). It's so easy to say Yhh I love him when some French guys are drawing nonsense, but do you realise we're supposed to love him more than our own parents.
Now ask yourself do you?
The more I read about his daily interactions with people, and the effects he left on people, his interactions with his wives, the more in awe I was. Now I can go on about how awesome he (PBUH) is. But thats a spiritual search you have to embark on personally. I kept thinking what would I have done in similar situations? Half the time I'd have probably killed someones cat in retaliation, like on a real, if you beat me in front of the Ka'bah in front of everyone, understand I'd be up all night planning whose soup I'm poisoning first. Understandable why Hamza (RA) was pissed when he heard. Mate you can't even hang up the phone on me and my chest won't get tight...chai!
*pulls back from going off topic*
So, I was reading about this amazing guy (PBUH), and wondering am I worthy of intercession? He inspired so many, and amongst his companions are tales of incomparable acts of charity, bravery, and sacrifices. So who am I to holla him to come check for me on the DoJ? Thus the goal was set, i'm finna be #TeamShaded (Allah will only provide shade to certain people on the DoJ) not #TeamShade. I decided to live my life as Muhammad (SAW) inspired as I can.
***end of part 1, please turn the tape over to side B to continue***
**lawls, I'm silly, who even remembers cassettes?**
*tune in for part 2 next week inshaAllah though*