Dear Diary... Some Mo Niqab Tales
So I was asked by a beautiful sister about my niqab journey, her actual question was "How were you able to pull it off?"... following our conversation she suggested I document my niqab journey more frequently.
Honestly, this'll just be me whining about how hard it is! However in an attempt to portray my reality, I will be as honest as I can... no hard feelings yeah?
Especially as I'm sure it looks super easy on my instagram... yeah, nah b! That's barely real life dude.
Firstly, every day is a battle between wearing it or not. It's not something I've grown accustomed to over time as I had hoped. I still feel its presence. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it's hella annoying.
I've actually given myself till August before deciding on quitting or not. In August it'll be a year of me being a situational Niqabi (click here to read more about that), so I can tell myself I truly tried.
Secondly, I'm currently on a break from the Niqab, as I found myself wearing it all the time and feeling less and less comfortable to take it off... even when I was absolutely uncomfortable in it.
I also found when my imaan is low I find it harder to wear my Niqaab, so i'm stuck in this moody cycle of irritated when I wear it, annoyed at myself when I don't. EURGH!
Finally, social media is the only place where I'm 100% sure I want it on/want my face hidden. You can never be certain that someone isn't admiring you for your beauty or following you out of lust... also, I wish to control what I display. My feed explores creativity, and i'm too vain to not care about how many likes a pic of my face gets. I don't want to slip into the bottomless pit of self validation through likes lool. So I won't be showing my face on it
I wish there was like a face blur button on my right ear or something, so that I could just blur my face when needed lool!!!
I'm a 'take it one day at a time' kinda girl, some days I'm 'yasss', and some days I'm 'bun thisss'. I look for ways to merge my deen and identity regularly, and wearing niqab has been no different. I'm also learning not to over extend myself or conform to other peoples views and opinions. I'm clearly not a butterfly abaya, knee length hijab kinda gal, so becoming one overnight was never going to happen.
For me, it's about being open to the natural pace of my growth, not forcing or rushing anything. Although my true niqab journey has been full of moans and groans, I'm still wearing it. And I believe there's a reason for that, which I myself am not fully aware of yet. I agreed to continue sharing my journey after being tagged by @zaynabtyty in my old Niqab Journey post and reading my own thoughts.
So here I am, still on the journey, hoping that come August when I decide my ultimate Niqab fate these same thoughts will offer me insight and perspective.