I wrote this when I had stuff to process, honestly it helps to write things down. Sometimes you just have all this pent up resentment and nowhere to put it. Anywhoo, it's very personal and filled with much feels - enjoy.
Guess who's currently processing and has been for over a month now. Honestly, I'm seriously over the waves of broody and side eyes, only now I've added a little guilt into the mix.
Not one to offer an apology for the way I feel, I mean, I have every right to tap into my emotions... I'm penning down my thoughts in a bid for clarity.
In this journey called life *she writes philosophically* every encounter offers a chance to reflect and grow.
Basically, I'm all in my feels... and it's my fault. I took on a role of significant proportions, and now I feel as though the whole thing is unevenly distributed. With some people (me) doing more work than others... Which makes me resentful of the project, to the people involved, and largely to myself. However I'm from the family of "as you lay your bed, you must lie in it".
Plus you gotta keep your word man, not a fan of promise breakers.
Also, I need to point out... I'm aware that how I feel isn't necessarily the truth. As a rational and logical person, I've argued the case from the other point of views (pov) several times. It's simply a case of everyone do what they're skilled at, mixed with Nimz is an undercover perfectionist so she decided to monitor everything and do Ms Manager. Who sent me, really?
But feels don't work rationally... and I'm definitely all up in my feels. Gotta wonder, was I really ready to venture into the world again?
This is why I tell everyone "I'm not a nice person". Dealing with people is hard enough without the added feels
Here's where the guilt comes into play, when I work alone and I'm in my feels... my work either suffers or benefits. Regardless there's no pressure to get things done. I take my time and give my all, I don't owe anyone.
...And that's exactly what I've done here, except I have a deadline, I have people waiting on me. I really don't like the (wo)man in the mirror sometimes I tell ya.
Unapologetic in my "my mental health comes first" stance, I've been taking my time to brood and process - or maybe that's just an excuse to be a pr*ck? Hmm
However the end is near, and as I wrap up this project with the finish line in my sights, I can't help but brood some more.
Particularly on how shxx of a person I can be, on how it's my right to be shxxy, on how I process my emotions, how I handle interactions with people and their real feelings and finally on what lessons can be learnt.
Side note: I'm also aware that to have all these feels and not discuss them with the team can be a hindrance... but that's just not the way I work lol.- Baby steps
Nah, it's hard to get my feelings across, I always end up arguing for the other side, feeling annoyed with myself and selfish. Then I realise very I have a lot more processing to do and by the time I've processed it all and come up with a conclusion on my lonesome, I'm over it. And what's done is done 🙂
Just imagine all of the people I've secretly hated for a week (or more 👀 ) lol 😂