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Welcome to my blog... a platform for all things fashion, creativity and female empowerment. 

Here at Brimah + John I have two main beliefs "No-one can dictate you, to you" and "aspire for progress not perfection". 

“This is a space where voices are heard and it turns out, I’m really good at listening”

— NBJ

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Nimz and Being A Spinster

Nimz and Being A Spinster - NIMZ AND EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

Why is it when you share your future goals and expectations people reply with advice suggesting that you’ll end up old and unwed, living with cats and, knitting jumpers out of cat hairs, if you don’t prioritise marriage.  

Like why is the future of any woman with goals and dreams beyond marriage grim, grey, lonely and miserable? Across all cultures to be honest, I can’t even claim this is just a Nigerian thing.

Now before getting into it, I just want to make it very very clear, I’m not anti-men and I’m not anti-marriage. I’m just tryna have the best of both worlds, including all the hashtag couple goals, I want it all. 

Even though the bar is pretty much a zebra crossing at the moment, it’s pretty low.

I guess we can start by going into my ideals, stress on the ideal part. Can’t have people with zero comprehension coming to stress me on how I’m being unrealistic. This my ideal and I’m gonna Idea-ate however TF I want to. 

Is idea-ate even a word? It is now sha. 

I’m looking for a nice tall man with broad shoulders and a smile brighter than the moon, dark haired, somewhere in the 6foot region, strong enough to beat up my brothers - I’ve promised to tag team with my husband and bang up them and their wives, don’t make me a liar now. 

Personality wise, magnetic. Same way i’m drawn to my current friends I need to be drawn to him too. No cardboard dry paint type dudes. Must have a healthy relationship with their father, like by force!!! No room for parental emotional trauma here, soz I can’t be teaching you basics on emotional abuse and manipulation and using myself as your practice run. 

It is actually impossible. 

And finally not mad. 

Like from the earths core, to the highest of heavens, he cannot be mad. Too many women marry mad men and I cannot come and do mental comparisons with you all about who has the shorter straw. 

Nope, of all the flaws I’m willing to overlook...madness is not one of them. 

What is madness you ask? Kindly search Yoruba demon, fxckboys, baby boys, mennist, is it even rape if..., Future (aka multiple baby momma syndrome), get you a white women..., it’s not colorism it’s my preference..., four wives gang, honestly I could go on. 

Men that are willing to sacrifice your peace of mind for their desires. They are mad. 

A lot of people promote the notion that if he’s on deen he can’t be mad, I’m here to tell you that is false. 

If he’s sincerely on deen, like sincerely sincerely he can still be mad, but not intentionally mad. In those cases it’s honestly up to you to decide how you want to navigate that one. At least on deen mad men have a playbook and you know what to expect. However deen is often used to manipulate women and deliver unnecessary suffering. How many times will someone come to rub sabr and Salah on your head instead of telling the real truth... which is get TF out of that relationship. 

Sabr isn’t sitting in silence whilst you’re tormented, it’s getting up walking out and knowing God has your back in all things. Waiting on God to deliver his reward, be it in this life or the next. Sabr isn’t stay. 

Sabr isn’t stay. 

Sabr isn’t stay!!!! 

I can’t stress enough just how much Sabr isn’t stay, because people will tell you to stay through all manners of suffering. 

Yesterday my brother said marriage is romanticised and divorce is demonised. 

If that ain’t the truth, can I get a a-men from the congregation.

I can never look at anyone who left a situation that was no longer serving them as a failure or a flop or wrong. It’s our nosey ass selves that go looking to find extra information on a persons private situation to now start doing maths and chemistry on how the situation could have been salvaged. 

Hi. It’s none of your business. Bye. 

So back to me and my thoughts on this journey towards marriage. Honestly a lot of things about marriage annoy me, as a woman I can’t help but feel like I pulled the short straw in life. 

I personally have a lot to reconcile before I can say I’m looking forward to being married. Of course I don’t detest the notion either, I just struggle to see how beyond the importance placed on it in Islam women would willingly sign their lives away. 

Marriage equals another phase of life that you truly have to be ready for. I don’t think some women recognise the gravity of the door they’re walking through and they just see it as permanent boyfriend tings. Valentines and anniversaries, roses, chocolates and spooning.

I know I used to be one of them girls. We tenk God daily. 

Even then a part of me used to overthink and that’s why I believe I lowkey self sabotaged that situation a bit. Before it blew up I deffo lit a couple C4 bombs and threw it into the bonfire that was 2013-15. However, you can’t overthink yourself out of marriage. Well at least I definitely can’t anyways, I have a mother ready to push me out and lock the doors behind me if I ever tried to dilly dally lol. - wheeew chile, the external pressures. 

Right, back into it. 

I’ve lost my train of thought can’t lie. 

Oo things I can’t reconcile with this marriage thing. 

  1. Certain man did 3-4 years in uni, copped a degree only to be a birthing machine. No hate on your journey, but lowkey lowkey...why does your career get derail by getting married 

  2. You lose your individuality. You go from being your own being to being an adage on some next mans story. It really grinds my gears how women are introduced as XYZ’s wife. 

  3. As a woman you’re a sacrificial lamb being put to slaughter. You’ll ultimately be sacrificing for the rest of your life. I love my mum, I love everything she’s done for me. Strongest woman I know. which is why I’m in no hurry to join the motherhood rat race. It’s selfish, but if I’m gonna live a lifetime of servitude - even if only to become half the woman my mother is - I’m gonna take my time and enjoy my free time first.

  4. Men are trash - That’s pretty self explanatory, but for those new on the wave, society has been built around the needs and views of males. Which means if you don’t find the right male to till death do us part with, you’re life sucks B.

  5. I’m stubborn and anti-authoritarian. Again self explanatory but, on a more personal level marriage involves a lot of maturity that my petty ass just isn’t ready to willingly start navigating. I hate the idea of sharing, submitting, running my decisions through another party… basically all the responsible parts of a responsible relationship I don’t want right now. If I’m being honest, I want the fun no and drama. 

  6. Adulthood is a scam, therefore marriage is too. This adulating thing was thrusted onto me and since landing in this dystopia, I’ve become more cautious about other huge decisions I come to make in this reckless land. I can barely trust myself to make major decisions regarding my career path, I now have to pick a lifetime man too… nah sis, I’m stressed.

  7. From the outside looking in, the people already married don’t really promote it well. I mean y’all are very vocal about your sufferings - kinda seems like a misery loves company club to me. I don’t know if its because the culture is very anti-pda or if it’s keep your blessings on the hush because of evil eye, but you hear more gore stories than you do good ones. 

That’s it for now, to wrap up I feel it’s important to say there’s nothing wrong with being a spinster, or taking your time to sign your life away (some might call it finding Mr Right). I for one can hold out on the “He made us in pairs” and ring emoji status’ a little longer, that cringe aside, I’m not looking for marriage in order to do image. So I’d like to think it’s okay for me to be a little thorough in my search and if your search yields nought then tawakalt and sabr. 

Although I pray against any and all trials (but if i must be trialled then I pray against any trial that I’m not equipped to face), difficulties, hardship, and madness. May we find goodness in store for ourselves in this life and the next, may we continue to be blessed, remain grateful for our blessings and remain steadfast in all our endeavours. May we never lose sight of God and May God remain close to us, consider us as those close to Him and shelter us and He sheltered those before us.

AMEN AMEN AMEN. MAY HE KEEP SUFFERING AWAY FROM ME LIKE HE KEPT DEATH AWAY FROM YUNUS WHEN HE WAS SWALLOWED BY THE WHALE. - GOD OF MERCY, GOD OF MIRACLES, GOD OF SUSTENANCE, I pray for you to be good to me.