Nimz And Maintaining Your Value In Relationships
Nimz And Everything Under The Sun
Often I reflect on my relationships with people, quick bit of context I’m someone with very few serious relationships.
I’m quite literal and I hold things close to their meaning. To call someone a friend without proper vetting is to me, disrespectful to my existing friends. To call you a friend, is to hold you on par with those I already call friends, and my existing friends are quite awesome to be honest.
But then it’s really rude to call people in the awkward stages acquaintances, so thats often a dilemma I have… what do i call people who aren’t quite friends but also not just acquaintances.
I usually avoid labelling people as much as I can, some people may have noticed. I say “peeps” and luvs, l-u-v not l-o-v-e, or even mandem... but that’s analysis for another time.
Today I want to talk about my standards.
I think it’s important to know your limits and your relationship requirements, as someone with a pretty traumatic experience of adulting, I’ve learnt to pay attention to my boundaries.
My journey here hasn’t been smooth sailing. Ima be honest, I’ve had some shxtty experiences with people in the past. Of course with some blame on my part, but in general for me, navigating the friendship realm has been quite the charmer of a tale.
So one day a few years ago, I ran away from it all. I left everything behind and started fresh. Me, my family and a handful of tried, tested, put through the rings, friends.
Since then I’ve been quite the territorial Labrador with regards to who I allow close to me.
…and honestly, I’m here to say how wonderful it is!! Listen, protect your territory! Genghis Khan that ish.
I’m so aware of what I’m willing to allow (though I can get a little neurotic), that I refuse to allow room for anything below my standards. I force others to meet me where I’m at, or kick rocks.
What I’ve learnt however, is how very few people are prepared to meet you at your level. I initially made the mistake of thinking the fault was mine, at first every new person I walked away from made me relive my tumultuous past. I’d whine to my friend how there had to be something wrong with me, why couldn’t I let things go? why couldn’t I be the calm and casual friend that was all laughs and good times.
Short answer? because I’m not a mug.
What are my expectations from people? Don’t lie to me, don’t ghost me, don’t use me, don’t do anything you wouldn’t want done to you, don’t be a dickhead, don’t take me for a mug… basically DON’T DISRESPECT ME.
So I bet you’re thinking well, duh, that’s what everyone want’s from their friends
…why is that so hard for people then?
What I’ve learnt is, it’s not hard, we just rarely hold people accountable. So then the rules are lax and people slip up.
I remember learning how if someone doesn’t show up on time to your appointments its a reflection of what that person believes your worth. I started applying that thinking to everything, if someone doesn’t respect you enough to text you they’re not showing up… guess what?
If someone hurts you and doubles down, insisting they were just being “honest”
If you’re constantly the but of the joke but it’s all just “banter”
That person doesn’t value you much, and by allowing it you’re cosigning their worth of you.
It’s starts off as a difficult conversation, but soon you get into the habit of pulling people up when they try to devalue you. It also requires you to be the example. I know I don’t like certain things, so i try not to do it to others.
A pet peeve of mine is after listening to someone rant for hours on how someone did them dirts, to have the person do something similar to me.
Example being a recent ghosting incident, where someone vented to me on how badly they felt when someone in their life went MIA on them and then proceeded to do the same to me the next week.
More often than not we’re aware of the impact of our actions when we make them, we’re also aware of how to make amends. We choose not to.
Which brings me to the other part of valuing myself and standing by my standards. Recognising I owe it to myself to call myself out and apologise for how my behaviour impacts others. If I am aware I’ve hurt someone or i’ve been approached by someone regarding an incident, I’m learning to listen and let them land.
Learning when to listen and when to speak up has been part of defining my boundaries. Recognising that not all situations require a reaction, explanation or confrontation. Ima big fan of block and move on, and more recently mute and move on. Out of sight, out of mind.
Someone once said to me “do you know what at some point you have to do your healing yourself, you can’t keep blaming outside factors” - That same person later went on to disrespect my standards. The irony.
What I learnt from that incident was 1. people are mad and 2. people are aware of what they’re doing. 3. We all have some sort of healing and growth to go through and we can’t interrupt our growth for other people.
I think it’s really important to set standards, rules and boundaries and stick to them. Both for yourself and for others.
It’s okay to dictate what you allow into your personal space and It’s okay to follow through when you’re at your limit.